Mystery Explained, Mystery Continues

One mystery is drawing to an end for anyone who is wondering what the "surprise" post was all about. I will now explain what the cryptic message was all about. I received a call from my sister on Friday that my Dad had a seizure and that the doctors didn't know what was wrong with him.

For those of you who have lived with me through the many family traumas during the past several years, you already know the story, but I will sum it up for those who are reading that don't know. Dad began his journey by having his spleen removed while I was still in high school. He then had a liver transplant in the late 90s. He was diagnosed with cancer and had to have his left ear removed which in turn paralyzed part of his face. About a year and a half ago he underwent quadruple bypass surgery. He is on kidney dialysis and is presently on the transplant list for a new kidney. So, as you can tell the man has had more than his share of health problems. The most current episode was the most frightening yet because it was so sudden.

Today he is at home, but driving two hours to the hospital periodically because the doctors still aren't sure what happened to cause the seizure. There are many theories. The most important thing is that they do not believe that the cancer has returned (our biggest fear). But the mystery for the family goes on.

Fingers and Toes

Nailpolish is so very overrated. I wrote in earlier about the spa day that my husband had given me for Christmas. Part of the package was a manicure and pedicure.

My feet look absolutely beautiful! There smooth, but not too smooth (it would hurt too much when I worked out on them) and my piggies are bright pink. I just think they are too cute. Yes, I actually like my feet.

The manicure on the other hand was a flop. It is just two days later and I have already taken off the polish. It was peeling. My finger nails are short. With all the typing that I do, it drives me crazy to have long nails. Plus, I think getting stuff stuck under my nails is absolutely disgusting.

I had acrylic nails for about three years. Looking back, I wonder how I ever managed. I typed a lot then too. Maybe it's just me in my older "more mature" state that finds the length thing a complete annoyance when I am clicking away on the keyboard. I have been known to clip off my nails even when they are beautifully the same length and protruding about 1/4 inch from my finger simply because they are driving me crazy while I type.

And then there is the issue of polish. This was the first time I had my finger nails polished in years -- really, I can't remember the last time I polished my finger nails. It always seems to peel off and flake and it is very noticeable when they start to chip. My toes on the other hand remain covered with polish most of the time. I just think that toes look better when they have a little color to them. My color of choice . . . Channel Ruby Slippers (Yes, it is red, just like Dorthy's ruby slippers without the glitter). It is the only bottle of colored polish that I own, I have a bottle of clear top coat too.

Sure, toes get covered up, but that's part of the beauty with them. If I get lazy and don't feel like changing the polish when it starts to grow out (my toenail polish never seems to chip or peel) I can simply cover my feet with socks or shoes and no one will ever know the difference. I could also care less if my toenails are stained yellow from the absence of a base coat. After all, if they are showing, they will be polished and no one will ever know their color underneath. Well, I guess those who are reading this will know now.

So, I guess that my beginning statement is false, nailpolish is not exactly overrated. I don't know how I would ever cope without it on my toes. But, I will stick to my theory that it is just too time consuming and impractical for the fingers. My fingers at least.

Surprise! :(

This one will be short. I just have to say that I HATE surprise phone calls that do not contain good news. The one thing they do is shift my perspective and priorities. Mostly they throw my type A need for order and organization into a tail spin. I am writing this at all so that I am reminded that not-so-good things can be a catalyst for change (homework). I can't say more now, but I am sure you will read about it during the next week or two.

Oily or Dry?

I have always thought that I had a blemish problem with my face. Maybe this stems from the rest of my body phobias, but today, I was told that I was wrong by a professional. She actually told me that my skin leaned more toward dry.

I took advantage of a gift certificate I had received for Christmas and went to a day spa. It was actually a medical day spa connected with a dermatologist. During my visit I was told that I may have a mild form of rosatia and that the products that I am currently using are far too harsh for my face.

I was in disbelief when I was told that my skin was not oily. The other things that surprised me is that poors can appear bigger if they are not hydrated properly. So, a lesson for anyone reading . . . be sure to use your moisturizer . . . it will help decrease the size (or at least how they appear) of your pores. At least that's what I am being told.

I still find this all hard to believe. I will use the treatment they provided and see what the results are. Old habbits are hard to break, but I will do my best to change my mindset on my skin.

A Few Days of Laziness and Procrastination

Sorry about the non-daily posts and long make-up sessions. I knew from the start that the every day thing could be a problem. After all, I have a life ya know! Really, kudos to those of you out there who get something up every day.

As you will read further down, last night was consumed by a seminar followed by dinner. Monday night was my man’s birthday, so all my attention turned to him. No comments on the hours in-between those events! I guess I really have no excuse beyond shear laziness and procrastination.

Go Ahead, Cut My Eye

I am near sighted and can’t even read the alarm clock in the morning without putting on my glasses. After wearing either glasses or contacts since 4th grade, I think it would be rather nice to not have to wear either. So, I decided that I would like to know in greater detail what happens when Lasik surgery is done.

Lasik is the laser eye surgery to correct vision, so that glasses and contacts are no longer needed. So, I drug my husband to a Lasik seminar last night at the local eye clinic. We actually got to witness the procedure being performed live and had a question and answer session from the patient afterward. It was very informative.

I can hardly believe that it only takes about 20 minutes for the surgery itself. That’s both eyes! And, by the following morning, most people can see 20/20. Yeah, it’s a little pricey, but since I am on my new budget kick, I figure that in the long run I will be saving at least $7,000 by having it done. Here’s the catch . . .

They actually cut a flap on your eyeball. The thought of someone cutting my eye makes my stomach turn. And, that flap never grows shut again. The doctors explained that there is a natural suction to the cornea that keeps it down, but still . . . what happens if I rub my eye wrong, rip it off, and am left blind. The logical side of my mind says that this won’t happen, but the pessimist in me thinks that it could. Something about it just freaks me out.

So, now the question is, can I do it? I want to, especially after fighting with my contacts which almost made me late to my kickboxing class this morning. But, will I be able to suppress the girly-girl, scaredy cat side of me long enough to go through with it. Maybe, after all it only takes 20 minutes and they give you valium.

Saving Money

Why am I so bad at saving money? I really want to be better at it, but I need to figure out how to improve. The problem lies in there being so many things out there that I think I need. Plus, the internet makes so incredibly simple for me to find exactly what I am looking for.

Here is an example of both the need aspect and internet ease. I was looking for a blender. I think that I need this blender because my current blender is over six years old and it was very cheap when I bought it. Bottom line: it doesn't crush pre-crushed ice very well and I think that if I had a blender that worked better I would drink more smoothies. Smoothies in turn will help with my healthy eating plan. So, I really need this blender (I think).

I am not looking for just any blender. I am searching for a specific model blender that I researched through Consumer Reports. I was originally going to buy it for myself as a 'happy birthday to me present'. I went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, Sears, Linens-N-Things, Wal-Mart, Lowes, Best Buy, and K-Mart before finally giving up on my quest. I was honestly thinking that they no longer made the darn thing.

Well, the next day I found it on-line right away and bought it. I had searched for hours, spent money on gas, and wasted my time looking for something that was just delivered to my front door. (Literally, the UPS man was just here.) Another lesson that I am taking away from this experience is as follows: when I am looking for a specific home item that has a model number and a brand attached, I will check on the internet first.

But, that's not what I began writing about. It is about saving money. I have a laundry list of big ticket items that I want to save for (a house, a car, Lasik surgery, an Alaskan cruise, etc.), but I keep spending money on dumb things. I know those big goals are out there but instant gratification is a lot more fun!

I have come up with my first idea to attempt to curb my spending. When I shop on-line sales, instead of buying the stuff, I am putting it in my cart and then printing out the list and handing it to my husband as potential gift ideas. He is always asking for ideas and I can never thing of anything when I am put on the spot, so I am getting two birds with one stone. I just printed for the first time and wrote a note about Valentine's day. If you have any other little tricks or ideas, please let me know!

I understand that this won't be a perfect solution, but at least it's a start. If I can come up with just a few more ways to save when I want to spend I will be ecstatic. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on my progress and probably my many missteps along the way.

Gelato

One of the things that I said I would miss the most about Europe is the Italian gelato. Just in case you don't know, gelato is Italian ice cream. Only it's better than ice cream. Way better!

The ice cream maker my parents used when I was a kid was a pretty big contraption that you had to use salt and ice in and I think you had to crank it by hand. It was a pretty long process to make ice cream from scratch. My sister-in-law is a God send. She gave me an ice cream maker for Christmas. It's a small Cuisenart thing that you plug into the wall and it spins on it's own. I actually used it for the first time this morning. I made fresh strawberry gelato.

The process started several days ago when I put the bowl that comes with the maker in the freezer. It had to freeze for 24 hours. Last night I made the ice cream base -- very simple -- fresh strawberries, cream, milk, sugar and lemon juice. (I got the recipee from an Italian cooking magazine.) It was cooked so I had to let it cool overnight. Then this morning, I poured the mixture into the freezer bowl plugged it in and in less than 30 minutes, I had gelato. And, let me tell ya, even though I only had a spoonfull because it was breakfast time, it was SO good. I can't wait to have a bowl for dessert tonight!

Now I say "Bring summer on!" I have other recipees for sorbets I can't wait to try. My sister and I also found this great sorbet when we were shopping one day. It is actually made by a company called Ciao Bella out of New York City and is called Cabernet Sorbet. It's like eating frozen wine. I think the ingredients were wine and sugar. So many options!

Search Engines & Shopping

I know, I am cheating on my homework, but I really haven't had too much thought the past couple of days. Life in my world is fairly boring and gray. I haven't had any real creative anything going on in my head.

So, let me fill y'all in on the past couple of days. Friday, I think I did nothing. Yep, it was so exciting that I don't even remember it. I do recall thinking that I had absolutely nothing to blog about. Oh, I did some homework and found that there are a lot more internet search engines out there than I ever imagined. So, research should become easier.

Yesterday I went shopping and got some great deals. I bought two pairs of great running/workout shoes for get this . . . $30 total -- for both pair! This is a BIG deal. I am always saying "It's not fair" to my friend Vianne who always seems to get great deals on shoes because her feet are small. So, I am very excited that I was able to find cheap shoes! I also dug through the sale racks and took advantage of another store's 'early bird' 20% off of their already 60-75% off clearence racks and then an additional 15% of that price with a coupon. It was great! I got 3 skirts, the perfect pair of dark gray dress pants, a cashmere sweater, two fancy tank tops, a blazer, a pair of lounge pants, and a hoodie all for less than $100.

I put away all of my finds this morning. I also decided to hang up some of the clothes that were piled and forgotten after moving. I have come to the following conclusion: I need to get rid of some of my stuff. I have 62 short sleeve t-shirts. Out of those 62, I probably wear about 20 of them. Others I keep around because 'I might wear them someday'. Rediculous! So, I am sending out an open invitation to anyone who knows me and would like to come pick up some free clothes that have most likely been worn once or twice. Give me a call and set up a date.

SLOW DOWN!!!

PRE-DINNER:

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
~ Gandhi

That just happened to be the quote on the cap of the Honest Tea that I picked up as a treat for myself while I was grocery shopping today. How true it is. When I was a kid, I could not wait until I turned 13, I would finally be a teenager, Yippy!!! When I was in high school, I could not wait to turn 16 so I could drive, Yippy!!! When I was in college, I could not wait to turn 21 so I could drink alcoholic beverages legally, Yippy!!!! Now that I am in grad school . . . um yeah that looking forward to turning any sort of number has come to a screeching halt!

I think that is why I laughed when I read the quote on the cap because today of all days I want to do anything but increase the speed of life. If you haven't figured it out yet, today is my birthday, the big 3-2. I am fortunate to share it with one of the strongest women I know and one whose friendship I cherish and treasure more than she may ever realize. Happy Birthday Heidi!

As I get older, what I consider to be old keeps moving too. Heck I used to think that 30 was old. Looking back, I realize things like my Aunt Pat, who was one of the coolest and most fun aunts ever, was really young when she took us to the pool and bought us Oreos and Klondike bars. No wonder she was so cool. She wasn't "old" like my mom was (yeah, at the time, Mom was in her 30s and Aunt Pat was in her 20s). I don't know why it boggles my mind so much but it does.

I am also a little sad today. I have been reflecting a bit and I notice more and more that the people I love are getting older. And that really makes me sad. I can't write any more about it or I will cry and it's my birthday and I don't want to cry.

POST DINNER:

My husband surprised me with the Disney animated version of Tarzan for a birthday gift. He is good! I have wanted that movie for a very long time. He also took me out for dinner at this local place called The Mash House. If you are ever in the area, I would HIGHLY recommend it. It's a restaurant and brewery -- yes, they make their own beer (rootbeer too) and you can even get a variety of 4oz. testers. It was great! The perfect thing for the girl/woman like me who takes an eternity to make decisions.

All in all, it was pretty good day. But, I still want the speed of time to slow down!

Awareness and Honesty

Something that I read regarding awareness tonight goes hand in hand with something about honesty that I heard said on TV this morning. I will do my best to give you a quick background on each.

I have been reading about conceptual blocks, defined as, "mental walls that block the problem-solver from correctly perceiving a problem or conceiving its solution." The same book, Conceptual Blockbusting, a Guide to Better Ideas by James L. Adams, goes on to say that, "most of us are not aware of the extent of our conceptual blocks. Awareness can not only allow us to better know our strengths and weaknesses, but can give us the motivation and the knowledge necessary to modify or avoid such blocks."

I was watching Starting Over today. In a nutshell, it is a reality TV show about a group of women living together in the 'starting over house' and trying to tackle some tough issues in their individual lives. During the show one of the ladies said that the honesty of the other women in the house was what enabled her to see how she was perceived by others and finally make the changes that she needed to make in order to 'start over'. Her comments made me really start to think about truth and honesty and how much I might be able to accomplish if the people around me were truly honest with me.

The problem with honesty is that it is often very difficult to accept. No one likes to have their flaws pointed out to them, including me. Example, Christmas 2004, my mom and sister both pointed out that they had spotted a few gray hairs on my head. I was angry and resentful. Why? I am always saying that I would like people to point out my flaws so that I can work on fixing them. Then, when something is pointed out, I become defensive. I am annoyed with myself just thinking about it.

I'm not talking about flaws like a scar or a big nose or a wrinkle or two. With my wavering self-esteem those don't always help. I am talking about the flaws that might really annoy someone or possibly be detrimental to a relationship. My girlfriend Jen pointed out to me in a joking sort of way that I am always late and I have been more conscious of it ever since. I want to learn how to be on time all of the time. The truth helped. Here's another one. My husband brought it to my attention that sometimes I come across in a very condescending manner/tone of voice toward him. I was hurt that he perceived what I was saying in that way, but now that I know, I can work on how I say things in the future.

I could go on and on with examples, but the bottom line is that I think constructive criticism is good. We can make ourselves better if we are more aware of our weaknesses. We also have to realize that if we do pursue finding out about the chinks in our armor, we should not be angry with what others tell us. Sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it is the truth that we need to hear in order to have the opportunity to become better people.

Late Night Runs

I am kind of proud of myself today. I have my husband to thank for literally kicking me in the butt this evening. I was all dressed up in workout gear since early afternoon but had gotten side tracked and cleaned the garage instead. So, when he got home from work he saw me in my gym garb and asked if I was coming or going. I paused a little too long and he literally kicked me in the butt and told me to hit the pavement running. I am so glad that he is helping me stick to my goals! But, that's not what I am writing about this evening.

It was relatively late when I began running so it was kind of dark and the street lights were on. There was a fairly strong breeze blowing and it was probably in the low 60s. It reminded me of when I was in 8th grade. Next I will shed my "goody-goody" facade. . .

I used to sneak out of the house. Actually, I only did it twice. Where we lived when I was a kid was a split level house, so I slept downstairs and proceeded to pop the screen out and literally run to my boyfriend's house -- first boyfriend at that. (I know there are family members with eyes wide open right now, and thanks to a friend of mine, Mom & Dad already know.) No, it was nothing sexual, heck I don't know that I really knew what sex was all about at that age. But, I ran to his house and we would lie on a blanket and look at the stars, kiss a little bit, and then I would run home. Kinda crazy.

Looking back on those nights I have no idea why I did it. Young. Love. Hormones. Rebellion. Really, I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But tonight and having that memory flash across my mind made me smile.

It also occurred to me how much of my creativity comes from odd memories that just pop up like that one did. Life is full of creativity, or at least my life is. I have always loved to write and I am a packrat, so I have much of my old stuff. Maybe I will pull some of it out and share sometime. But, a large part of my personal creativity comes from my life experiences and memories. Just like the memory of my late night run.

TIVO

Okay, from my DVD days in Europe, I remember Miranda having it on Sex and the City, but I had no idea what a miraculous invention Tivo is. Right now my husband is talking to his mom on the phone and Tivo is recording the show that we were in the middle of watching. There is no programing, it just automatically does it on it's own. Actually, I think that a standard digital recording device (DVR) does the same thing. Anyhow, if you are behind on the cool technology because you are still in Germany I would highly recomend it once you return stateside.

Tivo got me to thinking. Wouldn't it be nice to have an invention like this for life. Like an instant replay during a football game. That would be great during an arguement. We could rewind and find out what was really said. Or, if you had two things you wanted to do at once, you could actually do both. (I forgot to mention that Tivo can record two programs at the same time . . . that's definately a leg up on the ol' VCR.) Right now, I really can't think of a downside to real life Tivo. Well, except that my sister-in-law (a.k.a. lawyer) could be out of a job.

Potato Skins

How can people not like potato skins? I am not talking about the deep fried things filled with cheese. I am talking about the actual skin on a baked potato. Most of the time I see people eat the middle of the baked potato and leave the skin on their plate. It's a tradgedy! I think that the skin is the best part of the potato. We just had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's last night and I had a baked potato. I scooped out a majority of the middle, and ate the skin with a bit of butter and sour cream. It was great. It was the perfect conbination of crunchy and chewy that I can never seem to get when I bake potatoes at home. I know that I have Grandma M to thank for the discovery of the potato skin. She always told me that all of the good vitamins were in the skin of the potato. So, if you don't already, I encourage you to, the next time you eat a baked potato, give the skin a try!

Dr. 90210

So, it's day two (actually three) and I am already behind. But, I am writing for Sunday over coffee first thing in the morning to make up . . . maybe it's still Sunday somewhere. Anyhow, I will be writing as if it is Sunday evening.

I have this obsession lately. I'm not sure where it started, but I thought about it again as I watched Dr. 90210 this morning. I have this body, weight, looks obsession and I am always comparing myself to other women. I am not sure where it came from. I was never made fun of for being fat or overweight. I have always been athletic. I don't think that my parents taught me to hate my body, but I do. Well, maybe not hate, but we certainly don't have the best relationship. I could blame it on the media, however, I know quite a few people who don't live in caves and still like their imperfect bodies. I often wonder, why can't I love mine?

Last week I talked with a personal trainer and found out a few things. I am not over weight. I am pretty much in the middle of where I should be. My body fat is not high. My water levels are outstanding. The tags in my clothes are 6s and 8s, mediums and smalls. Yet, I look in the mirror and scream YUCK! all of the time. Why?

I think that the scale is part of my downfall. In my mind I want to be 10 pounds lighter and it is so difficult to achieve. I eat well, whole wheat, fruits, vegetables, lean meat, and I work out, the whole nine yards. Still . . . nothing. And, no, I won't throw the scale out. Too, health professionals keep changing expectations and making them more difficult to achieve. Most recently the number representing a healthy cholesterol level has lowered making health an even more elusive creature . 20 minutes of exercise 3 days per week used to be good, now "experts" are saying that 1 hour 3 times a week is the minimum. The bar just keeps raising so I have to wonder, how is a person supposed to keep up?

I try to have will power, but there are so many temptations out there and I absolutely LOVE food. When I go out to dinner I cry inside because I want the mozzarella sticks and the chicken covered with cheese, sauted mushrooms and bacon with a side of fries that I can dip into ranch dressing. Yum! Yum! Not that I don't indulge those cravings sometimes, but these days, I flip straight to the back of the menu where the healthier choices are and settle for a piece of meat with a side of steamed vegetables. Not so exciting for my tastebuds. And, my adoration of desert will be saved for another day.

Enough pondering on the whole food thing and back to what started all of this. Dr. 90210. . . I used to say that I would never have plastic surgery. Growing older gracefully was the good and right thing to do. That was before I began noticing the fine lines and wrinkles. Now, I am not so sure that I wouldn't go under the knife or needle. I keep thinking that I could just have those 10 pounds sucked out of all of the spots that I hate. I could maintain it if I could just get rid of it. And, maybe that would give me the self confidence that I wish that I had.

It's one battle after another in an ongoing war within myself. I don't know that I will ever be truely happy with me. I have a little faith and will keep trying though. I truely hope that one day I will succeed.

Idea Trap

Patti P. first asked me to blog about two years ago. While I lived in Germany I wrote for a small local Army magazine, she loved the articles, my writing style, and wanted to read more. Since that time, I have lost count of the number of times the subject of blogging has come up in reference to me setting one up. So, what changed and finally encouraged me to start now? Several things.

The first being an assignment for a class I am taking this semester that has asked me to keep a notebook/journal/sketchbook with daily entries of "ideas, insights, images, novel musings, seeing ordinary things in new ways, extraordinary happenings, personal discoveries, creative notions, reactions to readings, reflections on personal use of concepts learned or thoughts relating to creativity." (Nina Barbee, PhD) This notebook/journal/sketchbook is to be called my Idea Trap. So, I have started a blog to help my Idea Trap become a bit more than a list of random words on a piece of paper that I misplace.

A school assignment is not the only reason I have for starting this blog. I have appreciated and enjoyed reading the blogs of many of my friends during the past year. So, it only seemed fair that I allow them to have a glimpse into the crazyness that is within my head. Family too, family is scattered all over the place and I really wish that I was in a closer proximity with all of them so that we could all get to know each other better. This way, at least they will have the opportunity to get to know me on a slightly different level. Plus, I am pretty bad at keeping in touch, so this is a way that I can keep everyone up-to-date on the current happenings in my life.

I also figure that when it comes to creativity, support, and change, the more minds the better. When I am struggling with something, there may just be someone out there who can give me some insite, encouragement, or advice. On the flip side of that last coment, I hope that I might be able to help others out who find themselves in similar situations to those I encounter.

Finally . . .

WARNING: At times I may not make a whole lot of sense. At times I may ramble, rant, whine, preach, pitty myself, write something really weird and off the wall, or just talk about stupid stuff. For those who know me best, you know that is just who I am. Those who only know me on the surface may be in for quite a surprise. That's why I have chosen to title my blog as I have. My mind is very muddled, messy, and disorganized (just ask my husband) but I really want to share with people what is in there. If you are here, I hope you enjoy the Chaos inside my head.