Grown Up?

As I started to venture upstairs tonight to do homework, my husband had just commenced watching a Tivoed episode of Grey's Anatomy. The particular episode was from this past Sunday and the main character Meredith says something that I believe more and more as I get older. She says that the older she gets the more she is convinced that there is no such thing as a grown-up.

I have told people many times and have even written previously that I don't feel old. To be completely honest, I don't often feel like a grown-up at all. Here are just a few of the reasons why . . .

I don't work; I go to school. I play video games on the computer instead of doing my homework. I act like a lunatic dancing around the house -- often. I jump on my bed sometimes. I am obnoxious as all get out (just ask my sister and husband). I stick my tongue out at people and rattle off those very juvenile phrases such as "missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me." I think that sugar is the best food group that there is. I chew up my food so it's all gross and then I show people. I love to moon people. And I still don't know what I want to be when I do grow-up.

I don't recall grown-ups doing these sort of things when I was younger. Do we become closet goof-balls after a certain age or is it just me? Yes, I have a more refined side to me and I am rather quiet by nature so I can easily fool people into thinking that I am not a total weirdo. But, many of my closest friends know the truth.

All you have to do is join me running at 530 AM to see the goofiness cup runnith over. PC can verify that I would sing songs like I Like to Move It, Move It and Can't Touch This and Baby's Got Back out loud as I ran down the street. Heck my sister was privilege to it just a couple weeks ago, along with some random skipping and weird arm flailing.

While I was in Ohio, I also had this overwhelming urge to drive by these people dressed in Statue of Liberty garb and working for some tax filing agency and blast New York, New York. It never happened because I kept forgetting to grab the CD and put it in the car. (Frank Sinatra, just in case you were wondering how on earth I would have that song.)

There are also board games that bring it out in me. I can think of a whole lot of people who have seen the wilder side come out this way. Especially with some Poison or other random big haired 80s group blasting in the background. Then, just add alcohol and you're in for a real treat.

So, grown-up, does it ever really happen? Or, is it one of those things that is as elusive as the sasquatch? A myth passed on from generation to generation. If grown-up is a real thing, I certainly hope that I never find out.

They're Here

It has arrived. My infamous Comprehensive Exam (Comps). This is the exam that I have to pass for my Master’s Program in place of writing a thesis. I have been nervous about this exam for, oh, about six months (at least). Now, with the questions and specifications for answers staring me in the face, it has dawned on me that I have plethora of work to be done in the next 30 days. Not only do I have my Comps, but I also have to maintain my other two classes which are proving to be quite time consuming on their own. Right now, I feel a bit of panic coursing through my veins. But, with a deep breath and a plan, I have full belief that all will be okay. If you talk to me and I seem a bit short or snippy, you now know why.

Connection by way of Flowers

It's funny how one thing can spark a memory of something else and/or make me think of the oddest things. Looking at the flowers sitting beside me, I am reminded of so many things. I am reminded that my husband loves me, he had them delivered to the house on the 14th a.k.a Valentine's Day a.k.a. the day that we got engaged. I am reminded of our wedding because there are Stargazer lilies in the bouquet and they were in our wedding alter flowers. I am reminded of love in general because there are red roses in the bouquet and red roses always remind me of love. I am reminded of my Grandma M because she loves flowers and all season long she has fresh flowers to share. I am reminded just how silly I am sometimes because I have been toting the vase and its contents from room to room for three days now because I want to enjoy the flowers as much as possible and for as long as they last. That in turn makes me think about the fact that they won't be around forever and how flowers are related to death and funerals. I am then reminded of a friend who shares the same engagement day. And, although I could probably go on for hours with this, I wont's, so finally the last two sentences in turn remind me of a poem that is one of my favorites. I will share what I recall from memory (I'm too lazy to look it up), it's by Robert Frost and I am pretty sure it's titled Nothing Gold Can Stay:

Nature's first green is gold.
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower, but
Only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day,
Nothing gold can stay.

The wording may not be exact, but it's pretty close. It's one of my favorite poems as well as one of the only poems that I know by heart. That's it, as promised.

Snow

I actually wrote this a few days ago but forgot to post it then, so I am posting it now.

In tribute to all of my friends who live in the northeast I will spend some time talking about snow. After all, I have a few friends living through the record setting 26 inch snowfall in NYC as well as friends in Germany who have been battling a pretty good winter themselves. I have heard many people who move south after growing up in the north talk about how much they miss snow. I always thought that I would also fall into that category. I did . . . for about a week in Decemeber.

Yes, snow is pretty when it is falling and covering everything in a glistening layer of white. I did miss snow's effect on the scenery during the holidays. It is fun to have a snowball fight every now and then as well as bundle up in a hat and scarf once in a while. And there is nothing more beautiful than a long driveway lined with snow covered evergreens.

On the flip side, snow is not so pretty when it turns to gray-brown muck on the side of the road. It also hurts when it is pelting against a persons face as they run into it while getting a bit of exercise. It soaks clothing and shoes and can make a person feel heavy, damp, and miserable. Plus, it's cold and it can ruin a good-hair-day.

I also got the excitement of driving in snow through the mountains as I returned to NC. Low visibility due to flurries in the mountians = not fun. Other road related factors regarding snow. . . Salt trucks flinging salt all over the car as you drive by them = not fun. Driving 25 in a 65 because of bad roads = not fun. Doing 360s on black ice due to drifting snow = not fun. Sliding around up the hill of a driveway = not fun. Or, even better, having to back up and take a "running start" to get the car up that same hill because going slow didn't work the first three times = not fun.

Yep, I thought I would totally miss the snow during the winter. And, it makes me laugh that today is "cold" here at 48 degrees. I will choose to take the sunny and dry any day of the year and reminis about past white Christmases when the option is a few inches of the pretty white fluff.

Leaving Home

I never imagined that leaving Ohio would be so difficult. I think I cried at least once an hour during the entire ten hour drive back. I really didn't want to come home yesterday. Actually, I think I could have spent at least another month in the buckeye state and remained happy. Yes, I missed my husband while I was gone, but here I miss the rest of my family, so it really is a no-win situation.

I felt like I had more of a purpose there than I do here. I loved spending time with people I know and love. I could run all sorts of varying routes around town always knowing exactly where I was and I felt safe. I had people to eat meals with and go shopping with and play games with during the day.

Here I feel guilty that I don't work. I feel guilty that I am not there to help take Dad places and spend time with my grandmother. I run the same basic route because I don't know where roads will take me and I am a bit nervous when it comes to safety.I eat by myself most of the time. I shop by myself most of the time and a game of dominos just isn't the same with only two people playing.

I almost feel as if I have reverted back to the typical homesickness that a college freshman might have and I don't understand why. For goodness sake, I lived in Germany for four years and I never felt like this. I don't think I have ever been homesick as a "grown-up", until now. And, I wish that there were a pill that I could take to make this sick and confused feeling go away.

A Few Days Late

I know that the Super Bowl was half a week ago, but I am choosing to talk about it now. Commercials are a big part of the game, that's a given. I have to admit that there were some pretty funny ones, but it wasn't the cell phone theft deterrent (Sprint) or the pony getting help pulling the wagon (Budweiser) that I would rate number one. There was a more serious commercial that caught me attention above all others. It was a commercial for Dove.

The commercial was actually for a campaign that Dove is running called "Campaign For Real Beauty". Here is the link to the commercial: http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/commercial.asp?src=homecommerciallink
I found this very powerful given my own personal struggles with self-esteem.

It is about time that a company starts taking responsibility for girls' self-esteem rather than trashing it with crack skinny models who are unhealthy and airbrushed. There are millions of little girls out there that need to hear that how they look is okay and that models, actresses and 'teen queens' aren't always people to look up to or be like. I have been so busy that I haven't taken the time to check out the rest of the website yet, but I would venture to guess that it has some really great information on it, especially if you have young girls.

Thinking back a couple weeks, I was watching Dr. 90210 and there was a mother who let her 17 year old get breast augmentation done (a D cup no less) in order to increase her self-esteem. Seriously! I mean SERIOUSLY! That was absolutely ridiculous. She should have been reinforcing how beautiful her young daughter was, not indulging in such a crazy thing as bigger breasts. That was one of many moments recently that helped me to change my thinking of what media marketing is doing to people mentally.

A friend of mine has also helped rearrange the structure of my thoughts. She pointed out on one of those chain e-mail questionnaires that she would not answer a question regarding her least favorite thing about herself. She said, "Don't like this question. Us gals are way too critical on ourselves. It's a conscious effort every day to ignore the negative voices in my head. Least fave thing? My schizophrenia!" I have been trying to change how I think ever since! Thanks A!!!

If I didn't already use Dove soap, I would certainly buy it the next time I went to the store. I think that we need to support the companies actually trying to help the youth of our country rather than simply getting them to talk mommy and daddy into buying products for them. The Dove commercial may not have made the top ten with the Super Bowl commercial raters, but from a girl who has struggled with self-esteem her whole life, it gets the number one spot!

Reminiscing

So, my self-esteem got a bit of a boost last night. I went out for an adult beverage with my sister and I was asked where I went to school (as in college) by more than one person. I was blown away. At one point during the night we were even asked which one of us was older. Mind you, she is nine years younger than I am. I was pretty excited about it all to tell you the truth. Especially considering all of my bickering and complaining about getting "old".

I have to return for a moment to the issue of age. Earlier in the evening we had gone to a high school basketball game at our alma matter. I am almost certain that the last time I was in the gym was about five years ago when my sister graduated and the last time I had gone to a game there was when I was still a student. It was almost too much fun! We saw old teachers and how much they had changed. We saw a few people that we went to school with too. But, the biggest shock was when I heard the name of the little brother of an old boyfriend called as one of the players. He was a baby in diapers when I had seen him last and there he was running back-and-forth on the hardwood. The incident certainly reminded me of my age and that time goes on.

I was also a great scrap book saver when I was a kid. I pulled out six scrapbooks ranging from elementary school through college that I had stored at my parents while we were in Germany. I think I spent an entire afternoon this week looking through them. I am amazed at how much crap I saved. I have old chewing gum, parts of flowers, streamers from dances containing lists of who I danced with, and many more amusing artifacts. I even have this question and answer sheet from my "pen pal" cousin in NC that I am sure she would love to see.

It is great fun to look back on all of these old memories every now and then. Many of them have shaped who I am today. And, as I get older it is sad for me to go by an old park that was a total refuge for me while I was growing up and see how run down it has become. And, see that the convenience store that I rode my bike to for penny candy has been torn down. I could go on for hours about this subject because I grew up in the same small town where my parents still live, but I won't.

The Proximity of Family

I am currently in Ohio staying with my parents. Right now I am thankful that we are in the USA again and even though my butt was a little numb after hour eight in the car, the ten hour drive to get here was a blessing. There was no huge bill for a last minute plane ticket and there is no real deadline I have to stick to when it comes to going home.

I am also able to take my school classes with me since they are on-line -- portability -- another plus. I was joking with my husband last night on the phone that I am actually getting more studying done now than I did at home. Here, I don't have the distractions that I so easily succumb to at my own house. Focus is not my strong point.

Family has become so much more important to me during the past few years. I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family, both immediate and in-laws. The most difficult part of loving my family so much is being away from them. Growing up, all of my aunts and uncles and cousins were just around the corner and that sense of family being right there is so comforting. If you need help, there is always someone to call.

I have learned how to live away from loved ones but I long to have those relationships again. I miss getting together for dinners and Chinese lunches. Having my husband's family two hours away is nice, but to have them across town would be better. Sometimes I wonder if close proximity will ever happen, and I continue to hope . . . someday.

Even while we were in Germany I had a family "across town". My friends are as much like family to me as those connected to me by blood or marriage. They feel to me like sisters, brothers, and cousins. Yeah, I still talk with them, some on a normal basis, but we are all dispersed now too. Even my "family" of friends I grew up with are scattered.

So, to all of my family out there, I love you guys. I know that I don't tell you enough. I have been really bad at keeping in touch, calling, and getting together, but I love you no less. I hope that you know that. The proximity of all people that I consider family may not be as close as I would like in miles, but you are ALL locked tight in my heart.