Dr. 90210

So, it's day two (actually three) and I am already behind. But, I am writing for Sunday over coffee first thing in the morning to make up . . . maybe it's still Sunday somewhere. Anyhow, I will be writing as if it is Sunday evening.

I have this obsession lately. I'm not sure where it started, but I thought about it again as I watched Dr. 90210 this morning. I have this body, weight, looks obsession and I am always comparing myself to other women. I am not sure where it came from. I was never made fun of for being fat or overweight. I have always been athletic. I don't think that my parents taught me to hate my body, but I do. Well, maybe not hate, but we certainly don't have the best relationship. I could blame it on the media, however, I know quite a few people who don't live in caves and still like their imperfect bodies. I often wonder, why can't I love mine?

Last week I talked with a personal trainer and found out a few things. I am not over weight. I am pretty much in the middle of where I should be. My body fat is not high. My water levels are outstanding. The tags in my clothes are 6s and 8s, mediums and smalls. Yet, I look in the mirror and scream YUCK! all of the time. Why?

I think that the scale is part of my downfall. In my mind I want to be 10 pounds lighter and it is so difficult to achieve. I eat well, whole wheat, fruits, vegetables, lean meat, and I work out, the whole nine yards. Still . . . nothing. And, no, I won't throw the scale out. Too, health professionals keep changing expectations and making them more difficult to achieve. Most recently the number representing a healthy cholesterol level has lowered making health an even more elusive creature . 20 minutes of exercise 3 days per week used to be good, now "experts" are saying that 1 hour 3 times a week is the minimum. The bar just keeps raising so I have to wonder, how is a person supposed to keep up?

I try to have will power, but there are so many temptations out there and I absolutely LOVE food. When I go out to dinner I cry inside because I want the mozzarella sticks and the chicken covered with cheese, sauted mushrooms and bacon with a side of fries that I can dip into ranch dressing. Yum! Yum! Not that I don't indulge those cravings sometimes, but these days, I flip straight to the back of the menu where the healthier choices are and settle for a piece of meat with a side of steamed vegetables. Not so exciting for my tastebuds. And, my adoration of desert will be saved for another day.

Enough pondering on the whole food thing and back to what started all of this. Dr. 90210. . . I used to say that I would never have plastic surgery. Growing older gracefully was the good and right thing to do. That was before I began noticing the fine lines and wrinkles. Now, I am not so sure that I wouldn't go under the knife or needle. I keep thinking that I could just have those 10 pounds sucked out of all of the spots that I hate. I could maintain it if I could just get rid of it. And, maybe that would give me the self confidence that I wish that I had.

It's one battle after another in an ongoing war within myself. I don't know that I will ever be truely happy with me. I have a little faith and will keep trying though. I truely hope that one day I will succeed.