Baby Excitement, or Lack Thereof
There have been many inquiries into mine and husbands excitement regarding the impending baby. My usual reply is something in the vicinity of nope, not excited. Then I feel really kinda crappy, mean, and that I am being an ugly/terrible person and that something is wrong with us; that this should be the most wonderful time in our lives and it just isn't. I attributed it to the stress of moving and changing jobs and keep thinking that things are going to change, things are going to get better, and they just don't.
I think (or maybe hoping) that we are simply scared shitless. Which I am pretty sure as close as I can come to pinpointing our feelings. Again, this wasn't a planned pregnancy, there was a lot of shock, and yes, a lot of fear in regards to the following issues: Will we be able to do this? How will it change us? Are we making a mistake? How do we do this? I just don't feel prepared or ready to be a mother and I know that my feelings are reciprocated by husband. Normal, yes, as far as I have read. But, it just doesn't seem to REALLY be normal. Too many people out there are simply overjoyed to be having a baby.
Again, we are accepting that this is happening, but neither of us knows how to honestly be happy about it. We are talking about going to counseling, but, for some reason, this seems a bit extreme to both of us. Isn't happiness supposed to just "kick-in" eventually? I have put off reading many books on pregnancy and parenting up until now. Since, I am not looking at any paid employment in the near future, I think that I will begin researching the whole topic as if I were writing a thesis on the subject. Maybe that will somehow help us cope better. Although, I am also afraid that this may make the whole situation even scarier.
Everyone has been very reassuring in their belief that we will be wonderful parents and I am very appreciative of the kind words of encouragement. We just can not seem to get on that same page. I know that having a baby is a life changing event, but my outlook all seems to be gloom and doom...thus being scared is my best diagnosis. Anyone's insight into this would be welcomed...just don't be too mean or you will cause me to cry.
posted by Christina/Christy/Chris @ 6:50 PM
6 Comments:
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Being a parent is scary. It's going to change your life forever, but change doesn't have to be a bad thing. What specifically are you guys afraid of or not looking forward to? I have to admit, when it comes to this baby thing, we're complete opposites.
I so want you to be happy and enjoy this. You and I are due right about the same time, and it's funny; when I feel her kick I wonder if you're feeling your little person do the same and wonder if it's changing your mind and making you think that this whole thing is pretty cool. It all will click eventually. It will be what you make of it, and maybe if you really look at what your preconceived notions are (no pun intended) maybe you'll find out where to start working. Send me your email, I'll try to convert you. Kidding, but if you want to talk- send it. redbaldyb@yahoo.com
Christy,
Hi from Ohio, I feel wierd writing since we never met in person but...I was scared shitless before Ayden was born too, and he was planned. I can't imagine how I would feel unplanned. I don't know if will help, but my sister had an unplanned pregancy at the age of 21 (she is now a mother to 4). The father of her daughter has nothing to do with their life so she did it on her own with our family's support. She was not excited about it at anytime, until she was born. She wrote a letter many years later. In it, she writes how even though she didn't know it or believe it, her daughter was just what she needed. She said it was like my sister was teacup with little cracks that no one knew were even there, and Michaela was the unexpected glue that completed everything. No one can tell you how to feel or how you should feel. You have the right to every feeling you have. Yes, your child will change everything...but it will be a good change. Some things you will miss, but the good far will outweigh the things you miss. Hope that helps.
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Christy, you are going to feel really silly when you look back at this post.
I remember thinking people with kids were idiots and I couldn't figure out what the big deal was about those screaming brats. I hated how they always acted like they had some secret knowledge and that having kids made everything better. But if you could fast forward a little and get a peek at your OWN baby you'd think holy shit my baby is AWESOME! That's just how it works, you'll like your baby don't worry. I still think kids are annoying because I still have never had a "kid" only a baby. I can't put myself in those peoples shoes yet. And being pregnant DOES NOT make you a mother and make you have to love all children and start baking cookies. HAving babies doesn't make you HAPPY, just like not having a baby shouldn't make you unhappy. It is what it is. You are spending way too much energy on this. Seriously you are going to be embarrased at how easy it is and how life goes on except now you have a little baby to share the world with.
An unplanned pregnancy can be hard to wrap you brain and you emotions around. Don't feel any pressure to feel anything. Take it as it comes, focus on what is going on now. Don't worry about the other stuff until it happens, you never know how you will feel. After the baby is born if you are still having issues that is the time to do something.
You guys will make your own way in parenthood, that is why it is amazing, it is your own thing, not what other people feel or expect you to feel. There is no normal.
I agree with everything everyone said. I also think that the majority of people are not all that thrilled when they find out they are pregnant--it's too freakin' scary to be exciting. There are a few who are excited and they actually talk about it. the rest of us are too embarrassed to admit when we weren't all that excited. Some people say they "fall instantly in love" the first time they see their baby. I didn't do that either--I loved them, since they were mine, and I didn't want to give them away, but I just wasn't all that overwhelmed by them. That feeling did come, though. It just wasn't instantaneous. Basically, here's how I feel about parenting--nothing is normal. You create your own normal by what is right for you. The baby will never know the difference anyway! They can't read the books so they'll never know! I think you are doing a great thing by analyzing your thoughts and feelings. Most people are just happy, sad, pissed, scared or whatever and never try to figure out why. You are doing that so you are probably going to be WAY more prepared than most people when the baby gets here. Oh--that's another thing. Your thoughts and emotions won't be totally normal right away because of that whole "postpartum" thing. I guess some people don't have that, but I did pretty bad. Add that to the lack of sleep and it takes a few months to be totally back to a normally functioning brain, so give yourself a break. You are a good person. Your husband is a good person. That in itself is setting you up for success. Anyone can be happy about a baby, but that doesn't mean that they are going to be good at it. You will be. Just try to not worry about being a mom yet. Focus on being a pregnant person for now. The rest will come soon enough. You don't have to have it all figured out ahead of time. They don't do much when they are first born--you'll have time to read all the books then! Don't put too much pressure on yourself...you are going to be way better at this than you think!!!
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